Are you an Equal Partner?
In her new book, researcher Kate Mangino identified forty men who are so engaged at home, doing half the physical and cognitive labor, and intentionally and diligently working toward gender parity, that they fit the mold of an Equal Partner. The Better Life Lab at New America adapted the questionnaire Mangino used to find her EP40 to ask:
Are you an equal partner?
Awareness
Generally speaking, do you agree that gender inequality is a problem in our society?
No, you don't think gender inequality is a problem
It is impossible to push back on inequitable norms if you one does not recognize them in the first place. We suggest talking to a friend or your partner about how social norms set very different expectations for men and for women. Start by checking out the latest findings from the American Time Use Survey, which shows that on an average day just 21 percent of men do housework, while 49 percent of women do. They also find in households with kids between six and twelve, women do almost twice as much childcare as men. |
Yes, you perceive gender inequality to be a problem
Great! It is impossible to push back on inequitable norms if you do not recognize them in the first place. The latest data from the American Time Use Survey shows that on an average day just 21 percent of men do housework, while 49 percent of women do. They also find in households with kids between six and twelve, women do almost twice as much childcare as men. It's important to have knowledge of this context motivating you toward equality! |
Cognitive and Emotional Labor
Are you familiar with the terms cognitive and emotional labor, and do you understand why they are as significant as physical labor?
Yes, I understand the full spectrum of labor
YAY! As any cognitive laborer knows, physical tasks are important – but the real household labor comes in the form of emotional or cognitive burden. A person has to understand this in order to consciously make an effort to do half the work in the home. |
No, I don't understand these types of labor
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Women and Authority
Are you just as comfortable reporting to a female boss as you are a male boss?
Yes, I'm comfortable with a woman boss
Great! Even though Equal Partners is about gender dynamics in the home, the way men interact with women at work suggests the way they interact with women at home, and vice versa. This question was asked to ensure the EP40 were comfortable with women in positions of authority. |
No, being led by a woman is uncomfortable
Even though Equal Partners is about gender dynamics in the home, the way men interact with women at work suggests the way they interact with women at home, and vice versa. This question was asked to ensure the EP40 were comfortable with women in positions of authority. We suggest that you talk to someone about why you feel this way. Did you have some bad experiences, and are now applying those specific relationships to all women? Are you struggling with some subconscious gender assumptions? (It isn’t just you – we all have to work to see these norms and assumptions.) Maybe it would help if you talk to a man who is comfortable with female leadership – to hear that person’s perspective and experience. |
Your Partner's Work
Does your partner work outside the home— meaning, a job beyond caring for the household and your family?
Yes, my partner works outside the home
Perfect! In theory, someone could be an equal partner and have a stay-at-home spouse. But that would be harder to assess. When one partner devotes their full time to childcare and domestic work, there’s simply less to do in the home, which means the working partner has less chores to do in their spare time. |
No, my partner doesn't work outside the home
In theory, someone could be an equal partner and have a stay-at-home spouse. But that would be hard to judge. When one partner devotes their time to childcare and domestic work, there’s simply less to do in the home, which means the working partner has less chores to do in their spare time. |
Gender Pay, In Theory
In theory, are you comfortable with the idea of a woman earning more than her male partner?
Yes, I'm fine with women earning more than men
Great! This question specifically targets the age-old gender norm that men are better equipped for breadwinning, and women are better equipped for caregiving. But it looks like you have already rejected this norm. |
No, I'm not comfortable with women out-earning men
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Gender Pay, in Practice
In a relationship with a woman, would you be comfortable if she out-earned you?
Yes, I would be comfortable with my woman partner earning more than I do.
YAY! It is one thing to believe something in theory – another to put it into one’s own life. We know that about 80% of Americans value the concept of gender equality, and yet in most dual-earning households, the person in the female role does twice the work as the person in the male role. So it is important that we actually live our values. |
No, I would not be comfortable with my woman partner earning more than I do.
It is one thing to believe something in theory – another to put it into one’s own life. And it looks like maybe this is where you are stuck. And you're not alone! We know that about 80% of Americans value the concept of gender equality, and yet in most dual-earning, heterosexuala households, the person in the female role does twice the work as the person in the male role. Perhaps you would benefit from reading the EP40 Motivation section of Chapter 7, to learn about why other men do not feel this pressure, and why many men are starting to redefine “providing” for their families as both breadwinning AND caregiving. |
Sharing the Load
On a regular basis, would you say you do between 40 and 60% of all the household chores and caregiving, including both physical and cognitive tasks?
Yes, I do at least 40%
Wonderful! This gets at the heart of what being an equal partner is all about. The reason Mangino gave a range here is because those of us in a relationship knows that realistically, 50/50 is hard. Life ebbs and flows; some days we do less and some days we do more. But overall, looking at the course of months and years, it is important that the EP40 do about half of the physical and cognitive labor in the home. If you're doing more than 60% of the work on most days, then your partner may need to step it up! |
No, I don't regularly do at least 40% of the work
This gets at the heart of what being an equal partner is all about. Do you do less than 40% most days? And is that mostly work your partner asks you to do? Then you would fall into the behavior pattern Mangino refers to as a Hands-On Husband. And there’s LOTS you can do to take on more responsibility in the home to improve that balance. |
Doing It Solo
If your partner were to go away for a week or more, would you be comfortable managing the household and kids all on your own?
Yes, I can do it alone
Great! This question was asked to see if the EP40 could do everything in the home when need be. If these people split the chores, but don’t know what their partner does, this would show during stints of single parenting. Even though you might usually take care of cooking, and your partner usually takes care of cleaning – it is important that you know how to do it all when you have to. |
No, I can't do it alone
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Your Partner's View
Would your partner agree that you have answered these questions accurately? For instance, if you said you do at least 40% of the work, does your partner concur? If you aren't sure, ask them!
Yes, my partner and I are on the same page about my EP status.
YAY! Lots of men might have an over-inflated opinion of their own actions. This is why Mangino asked all the EP40’s partners/spouses if they agreed with how they'd characterized their roles at home. Just as an extra parameter to make sure they were truly living their stated values. |
No, my partner and I are not on the same page about my EP status.
Oops. Lots of men might have an over-inflated opinion of their own actions. This is why Mangino asked all the EP40’s partners/spouses if they agreed. Just as an extra parameter to make sure they were truly living their value. If this was a no, it would be great to ask your partner – why? Why don’t you agree? This conversation might be an important step, allowing you and your partner to talk openly and honestly about who does what in the home, and what the implications of that work means for both of you |
Are you an Equal Partner?
If you answered "yes" to all nine questions, Kate Mangino would have wanted to interview you for her book, in order to learn how you and your partner came to share the load and support one another so well. If you answered no, to any of these questions, hopefully you now better understand the areas you should work on, to be a more equal partner and a champion for gender equality!